I Feel So
by buttlos
Summary: AU. Maybe if James wasn't around, Carlos could be in a happy and steady relationship with Sasha and just maybe it could work out between them. Maybe. But life just isn't that forgiving. Carlos/Sasha, Kendall/Jo, Logan/Camille, eventual Jarlos.


okay wow. so it's only been, like, three months since my last story and i feel bad that i haven't posted anything since then, buuuut. i just wanna let you guys know that i HAVE been writing. i have about four other stories outside of this in the works and three more ideas locked inside my head so, don't worry. hohoho.

but anyway. this actually started off as nothing more than a silly paragraph and i actually wasn't sure if i liked it, so i kind of tucked it away while i worked on other things. one day i saw the file and totally forgot what it was and read it and _suddenly_ the idea for the rest of this story came flooding to me. it's crazy how that works. ~

um - so this is kind of the first chapter/prologue for this story and is going to have a different voice than the rest of the chapters. all of the other chapters are going to be written differently so... i don't know if that's gonna bother you or not.

**warnings: **the rating might go up a little later. depends on where i decide to go with this. other than that, there's some language, some slash, some man-whoring, and teen partying.  
**pairings: **carlos/sasha, eventual james/carlos, kendall/jo, logan/camille, maybe some kendall/logan later, and james/everyone else. because james is a manho.  
**disclaimer: **do i really have to do this or...

* * *

He's not really sure when or why it happened or even how, but there is one thing in his life that he is completely positive about: he, Carlos Garcia, is in love with James Diamond. Okay – maybe "in love" is kind of a big statement, but saying he has a supercharged crush works just as well, so he'll go with that. Truth be told though, Carlos really doesn't like how hard he's fallen for the boy. It's nothing about James being a boy or the fact that they really don't know each other that well; James just has a reputation that he's kind of a big player. In the off chance that he ever gets the chance to actually _be_ with James in any sort of way, the last thing he wants to do is worry about getting his heart broken because a week later, James found someone else.

Now, if there was one thing that Carlos lives by, it's the motto, "don't judge a book by its cover." The whole thing is kind of ridiculous and cliché, but it couldn't be any more true to his life. He knows that he gets judged for what he looks like and the music he listens to and things like that, so why would he want to do that to other people? That's just plain rude. Those rumors may not even be true. People make dumb shit up all the time for attention, why would this be any different?

Maybe Carlos just doesn't want to believe those silly little lies though, if they even are lies, and he hopes and prays for selfish reasons that they are just that. There is definitely a part of him that is screaming for him to just move on, find someone better, someone who will be everything he wants and needs, but he can't. Not really. He has a girlfriend, though, a beautiful girlfriend who has sparkling eyes and smooth, tan skin and hair that's long and wavy that just frames her so perfectly, and her legs could go on for days. Her name is Sasha and really, she is pretty much everything and anything a guy could ask for. But even if she is so wonderful and his tummy did little flips when he asked her out and she actually said "yes" (because then he really, honestly did like her a lot), Sasha just doesn't seem right for him; not anymore. So they have this on again, off again thing going on and he feels bad that he can't just let go of the poor girl, but Carlos still kind of likes her in a romantic way and despite everything inside him, he doesn't want to hurt her. The least beautiful thing in the world is seeing a girl cry, but what makes it worse is when he's the reason for it. It's not so bad that he's practically leading her on, in a sense; staying in a relationship that he knows won't last until the end of his high school life, because it's making her happy, and that's more important that his own wants…right?

But then they meet in between periods and Sasha smiles at him with her perfect teeth and her pink lips that sparkle from the glittery lip gloss she wears and Carlos forgets everything about James and he swears he's falling for her all over again. He wants to hold her delicate hand as he walks her to class, he wants to take her to the movies and play with hair idly while they sit through the previews, and he wants to get caught in the rain on the way home and maybe share their first kiss on her porch as he's holding his hoodie over the both of them to shield their bodies from the water. The thought of, "_I can spend the rest of my life with this girl,_" crosses his mind once or twice but then he quickly decides that he's much too young for that kind of commitment and he settles for what he has. Someday, maybe, when he graduates from college and gets a kick-ass job with a steady income. He can buy Sasha a nice ring and they can move to a nice house somewhere in the mountains away from everyone else and have two beautiful children and a dog and live a happy life together. Having a family of his own has always been a dream of his, after all.

And before he knows it, everything comes crashing back down on him when he catches a glimpse of James in the hallway later and Carlos is reminded that he's in a not-really relationship with Sasha _because_ of those feelings for James and then the boy's all sorts of confused all over again. It's almost a vicious cycle; a cycle that's making his head spin and Carlos is getting dizzy from going around it so many times. If he didn't know better, he'd say that his brains were turned into scrambled eggs from going round and round so often.

At the end of the day, Carlos leads Sasha to her bus and kisses her on the cheek goodbye before he steps into his own car to go home, or maybe stop by Taco Bell first (which his mamí isn't too happy about considering that she can make better tacos than some smelly fast food restaurant and Carlos apologizes and tells her that he was just _so hungry_ and he was sure he was going to die from starvation and she forgives him this time). The rest of the night is spent doing his homework and maybe talking to his best friend Kendall for a little bit before he decides to go to bed at such an insane hour because his mind just won't stop thinking and let him sleep. So Carlos gets about two hours of sleep, maybe just a bit more, before his alarm clock is whining at him and he is forced to start his troubling little cycle all over again.

Driving to school is always the worst; that's where Carlos does the most thinking, outside of the shower, and thinking is dangerous for him. Things like "what if I break up with her today?" and "but then she'll hate me" and "James is just _so pretty_" always run through his mind, which is actually pretty typical. It's sad in his eyes, but James and the Sasha situation take up most of his thoughts and sometimes (or most of the time, actually), it was troubling, it was distracting, and his grades were actually starting to reflect that and that's not good. He needs to keep at least a "C" average if he wants to stay on the hockey team, and he can feel himself slipping closer and closer to that dreaded "D" in a class that would drop him down to below the GPA he needs to stay. That was the last thing he wanted to happen, next to failing of course, because the team needed him. They were almost useless without Carlos because he was the best goalie and really good on defense when he's not playing goalie. There was just no one that could replace him. That, and Kendall would probably wring him dry if he got kicked off since the two are best friends and Kendall is the captain of the hockey team and just would not tolerate Carlos being kicked off for a bullshit reason like grades. If anything, Kendall would want Carlos to get kicked off for fighting, because he knows from personal experience that Carlos is a damn good fighter when he needs to be. It would be glorious and wouldn't hurt his rep in anyway, plus he'd still be able to keep his pride, which is important.

There's that one question, though; the one that always, _always_ plagues his mind and never seems to ever go away completely and it's, "_what am I doing?"_ Sure, it seems like a pretty straight forward, easy question to answer, and for the most part, it is, when you look on the basic side of the question. But for Carlos, it goes so much deeper than the obvious answers like "driving" or "thinking". He doesn't know what he's doing with his life or in school or with anything, really. In regards to school, he had no idea what he was going to do after he graduated. Of course, if he has the opportunity, Carlos is going to go to college, but for what, he had no idea. So what's the point in going if he really had no clue what to do with himself once he actually got there? Then there's the whole on again, off again thing going on with Sasha and that will forever drive him over the cliff.

One day they are all lovey-dovey with each other; holding hands in the hallway and sharing chocolate milk during lunch and slipping notes into each other's lockers, then the next thing they know, they decide it's better they're apart. They stay friends and still smile at each other and crack jokes and all that happy crap, but a few days later, Sasha is batting her eyelashes and twirling her hair at him and Carlos can't help but duck his head in embarrassment and hug her from behind when she doesn't expect it and suddenly they're boyfriend and girlfriend once again. If there was a record for most break ups and make ups, surely they would take the cake.

Then there's James. _James._ James Diamond with his teeth that are perfect in every way possible and his equally as perfect smile and cheeks. James with his deep brown hair that is always flawless; never a hair out of place. James with his stunning hazel eyes that always have that mischievous glint to them but are still just so beautiful no matter what. He's tall and has good muscle build and it looks like he takes care of himself pretty well.

One of the best features about James that Carlos absolutely loves the most is the fact that this boy can sing. They have choir together, so it's not like Carlos is some creepy weird stalker or anything - not that it matters. But boy, can this kid wail. He can hit notes that even some of the sopranos have a hard time reaching and it still sounds so good that Carlos goes weak in the knees sometimes. He won't ever say that though. It's something that he'll keep to himself for a long, long time.

Carlos thinks again about how much he doesn't like all these weird feelings he has to someone he never really formally met and he wishes he could stop. Okay, so what if he and James aren't really the best of friends, or even friends at all? People can still admire someone else from afar, right? Like _really_ admire. Even if it might be kind of weird and stalkerish in some cases, but it's not like he's going to James' house and sniffing his underwear or cutting off his hair or saving all of his chewed gum to make some kind of weird James shrine in his bedroom. But so what if he's not at that creeper status, he still has the hots for someone he doesn't know, for someone he's not even sure if he _wants_ to know, and he can't stand it. It makes him sick sometimes. What makes James so special, anyway? What gives _him_ the right to steal Carlos' attention like the sly thief he is?

Maybe if James wasn't around, Carlos _could_ be in a happy and steady relationship with Sasha and just maybe it could work out between them. Maybe. But life just isn't that forgiving. Life would much rather fuck around with Carlos' head instead of giving him an easy time.

Thanks.

He pushes everything aside though, because he really needs to concentrate on the road rather than his romantic life. Getting into a car accident so close to school grounds isn't exactly the smartest thing to do. He gets there safe and manages to find a decent space in the student parking lot and hangs out in his car a little bit, just to gather up his thoughts. Even though he really doesn't want to gather them up unless he's throwing them away, but they're not like trash and you can't just put them in a bag, toss them in a can, and forget about them. Sometimes he wishes he could, but again, that would make life too easy.

Carlos finally gets out of the car and makes his way to the building. He's already been late three times this month and if he's late again, he's getting a detention which means he won't be going to homecoming. Which sucks since Kendall's on homecoming court and he would love to see if his best friend gets elected as king. But either way, he's here and not late, so it's whatever for today.

School, for the most part, is pretty lame and Carlos is really not looking forward to starting the day there, mainly because there's something tugging at the back of his mind, telling him that something is going to happen. Something that he's not going to like. He brushes it off, thinking it's probably nothing since nothing _good_ ever really happens in school normally. It's not like he's expecting peaches and cream the moment he walks in to the building. But that sure does sound good.

When's lunch?


End file.
